Journal Entry from the Divorce - 2018
I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you
I’m sorry I do not love you
I wanted to save you and make you whole
I cannot
Even still, I’m sad that your life is falling
You seem broken, sad
Still unhappy
Still toxic
Still trying to manipulate and control
I cannot let you be near me
I cannot let you back into the fold
For so many reasons
For you and for me
I need to choose my own health
And hope that you choose your own
This is my burden
And yours is yours
You are in charge of your life, not me
You’re quite the scrambler
Of truth
Of emotion
I need space for clarity
I vowed my devotion to you but that was then
This is now
I’ve learned so much and I cannot unlearn
I cannot unsee
You’re dangerous
Financially
Spiritually
Emotionally
Physically
My devotion ended
Whether right wrong better worse
It has ended
Some say you got what you deserved
I don't say much of anything
I’m better for myself and kids
I was useless with you
I fought as long and hard as I could
Silver linings only go so far
A beautiful house built on sludge, sand, swamplands
We could not last
It was not viable
It was inevitable
Something was going to die: marriage or me
I chose marriage
It was an impossible position to put me into
And I’m sorry that I had to choose marriage
But I did
It was the lesser of the bad
And now my fighting for the good grows exponentially
quickly
at the speed of light
Because it is no longer toxic
I can breathe
I can choose
I can choose health and happiness
I can be present
I can be whole
I am okay alone
I have proven to myself how strong I am
I see my value and beauty
I’m coming back to myself
I left the shore to sail the ocean
I brave the wilderness
I make my own choices
I choose my destiny
I can be safe
I am safe
I can keep my children safe
My home is small, but it’s peaceful
I let go of those young choices
From our past
I choose the present
And I choose the future
Beauty out of ashes
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